Thursday, September 24, 2009

a peculiar conundrum

Lately I have been struggling with diametrically opposed aspects of myself. In simplified terms, I am referring primarily to the conflict between positive and negative vectors of thought and emotion. Cynicism disguised as realism versus optimism in the guise of pragmatism. Even though much of my internal monologue in recent weeks has been dedicated to the process of cognitively restructuring my life so that it is much more in tune with the latter, when I actually delve into type of conversation that has to do with my outlook on life, the words and opinions that come out of my mouth turn out to be bitter, cynical, destructive, violent, and spiteful… Perhaps I am at a point in my life where a paradigm shift is in the making - the dialectic of the ownership afforded by existentialism versus the comfortable state of victimization proffered by adopting an absurdist perspective is greatly descriptive of my conflicting confluence of personal conviction and opinion. I live in a state of constant contradiction - and comfortable contradiction at that.

But why am I so comfortable talking out my ass? Why am I completely content to ramble on and on, debating points in which I do not truly believe? Why do I get so excited when provided with an opportunity for dissent, of any kind? Am I just being disagreeable merely for the sake of being obstinate?

Maybe I am.

But even in halfheartedly admitting that, I find that it is - for whatever reason - difficult to give a shit about the impact of this governing attitude on others. Perhaps the virtue of selfishness is derived from the benefits created by the comfort of willful ignorance combined with a genuine lack of caring on my part?

Lots of crazy thoughts rattle around in my skull - and I am trying to believe in myself and others.

For me, based upon my life experiences, this is no easy task. I will never forget what its like to be on the inside of an insane asylum, nor the humiliation of being stripped naked and beaten by "people" who are sworn to "serve and protect". These things, although they could have been avoided with a small amount of personal effort/diligence, I blame on external factors. I portray myself as a victim, so that it is easier to ignore the fact that I am my own destroyer.

I am trying, with all the strength I can muster, to ameliorate this inconsistency in my own life and thoughts. Unfortunately, I don't want to wallow in a cynical and bitter existence - but I also despise what I consider to be the naiveté of unbridled optimism.

Sometimes I just wish people recognized that being positive isn't everything.

Sometimes I just wish I didn't think so goddamn much.

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